Canon Watch: Conan The Barbarian (1982)

Watched:  04/12/2026

Format:  BluRay

Viewing:  I have no idea

Director:  John Milius 

Conan the Barbarian (1982) is not for everyone.  And were it released now, it would have social media film people absolutely up in arms.  

I confess I've never read any Robert E. Howard, and maybe I need to fix that.  He is a Texas boy, after all.  But since the last time I watched the movie, I did read both the Prose and Poetic Eddas.  And what Howard was up to, and what this movie was up to - and what a lot of heroic fiction of the past was doing - all feels much more part of a lineage.  

The movie exists in a world far removed from a 2020's concept of "heroes act thusly" - something I am obviously behind as someone who felt like 2025's Superman and the TV show Superman and Lois finally got the character right on screen.  But that doesn't make me naive as a reader or person - that's just one type of character in one type of story.  

This movie acts as what should have been a terrific 3-4 movie set, chronicling the rise of Conan to be King of the Hyborian Age.  But Conan the Destroyer came out, was quite silly, and kind of ruined it.  (Yes, I have a disc of that, too, and will watch it again for the first time since high school.)  

I'm stunned by the purity of actual storytelling in the movie.  Somehow between viewings I always forget the plants and pay-offs, the way the story foretells itself, how deals are made with unseen gods, and the unspoken conversation on cults of personality, revenge, and forging one's own path by being a really, really obstinate Cimmerian.  

If people were unfamiliar with Arnold Schwarzenegger from his days competing (and winning) Mr. Universe or hadn't seen the phenomenal doc Pumping Iron, this was likely their intro to the guy.  And it's a stunning debut.  He has maybe two dozen lines and some grunting through the movie.  The heavy lifting is done by James Earl Jones as the despicable Thulsa Doom, Max Von Sydow as the king, and Sandahl Bergman as Valeria. 

It's hard to say exactly what makes Conan the Barbarian work where a thousand other sword & sorcery movies fail, but if I had to guess - it's that they just @#$%ing went for it.  It's got some money behind it, and isn't shot on a ranch outside of Los Angeles.  A lot is shot at magic hour, and the score is one of the best in genre movies.  

If someone is calling this movie camp, that's because it's flown over their heads and anything that doesn't work for them like a standard actioner can't process in their skull.*  There's deft dialog and real characters and performances.  The screenplay was co-written by Oliver Stone, so it's not exactly by hacks.  The script worries about themes and nuance (that does not mean Conan worries about these things.  He's an MX missile of a character until the absolute last second).  

But because Conan is shrewd but unrefined (it's in the title of the movie, we can say it) I think people think the movie is doing something *wrong*.  But this is a movie about a character who at age 9 or 10 begins his path toward becoming forged as a weapon, who - with freedom - turns himself toward revenge.  Which is simple enough, but what are the lessons along the way?  

There's certainly commentary here about what the powerful are up to with their cults of personality, and how meaningless their followers truly are to them except as a show of their power - and what you can talk some into. 

But there's also a story here about two people who have been alone who surprise themselves when they find each other - somewhat like Vesper and Bond - before their chance is snatched from them.

A bit like the Eddas, the story does not require the hero to be pure of heart - there is no concept of the virtuous hero here.  There is revenge, and that is the good in and unto itself and something often required in mythologies.  Revenge is not something I personally subscribe to (it's exhausting) - but here's the thing, kids, it's a character in a story.  But also...  you know, sometimes it's okay to root for the guy taking out the evil snake cult leader turning people into suicidal cannibals.  You don't need Captain America for that.  Sometimes you need the guy who spent 18 years getting progressively more pissed off and deadly.  And that's a story, too!

I was recalling when I first saw Conan, and I remember watching this circa 3rd grade with my dad right through the part where Conan is having sex with the lady who turns out to be a witch, and I am betting we did not make it much further.  But I know I watched it as a kid with Matt A. - that dude loved Conan.  So maybe fourth or fifth grade?

Btw, if you, like me have wondered who plays Conan's mother in the film - it's the mononymous "Nadiuska" who doesn't appear to have been in many English speaking films.  Or much at all, really.  Apparently she had it very, very tough after a career in Spanish cinema.

*I have a growing and particular disdain for reviewers who see anything in genre they can't immediately grasp and throw the word "camp" around.  Let's be conservative in our use of the word.  It means something whether the camp was intentional or not.  The appearance of genre conventions you don't immediately embrace does not make something automatically worthy of derision.