Wednesday, February 1, 2012

10 Surprises from The Watchmen Prequels - The Second Wave!

A few surprise late announcements regarding the second wave of Watchmen books in the all new DC Watchmen imprint.  "We couldn't stop with just our first wave of announcements!  We're just too excited and need to show profit again in the 3rd quarter!  Watchmen was always a group effort, just like signing an office birthday card" said Didio and Lee.    "We dug deep to find the greatest talent DC had to offer.  Grant said he was busy, so here's what we came up with."

"While this is clearly unnecessary, its much easier to take this money than do cover work," said Brian Bolland.  "You'd be amazed what its like to sleep on a pile of money from work you did when Reagan was in office.  Yes, Dan, I will take another bag of money and a hooker.  Is this thing on?"

1.  An 8-issue team up book penned and drawn by Scott McDaniel is planned.  The book will feature Seymour, the news stand guy and the shrink with the sexual dysfunction.  The rumored villain is Matthew Frewer.

2.  Scott Lobdell will write a 6 issue series exploring the further adventures of the raft made of dead bodies from The Black Freighter.  However, the captain will be replaced by his daughter, an edgy, sexy young woman with just a whole bunch of secrets (and no pants).  Lobdell promises "action, action, action!"

3.  Judd Winick delivers a 6 issue series that asks "what if Hooded Justice came back, and surprised The Comedian by, you know, being alive and stuff?"  Also, probably sex.

4.  J. Michael Straczynski will tell a watered down and unlayered tale of Captain Metropolis that starts with some good ideas, sort of flounders for a bit, and then you can tell he really didn't have an ending in mind.  But, you know Babylon 5 was kind of popular before Firefly and Battlestar Galactica, y'all.  12 issues, of which we'll get 7.

5.  A Silk Specter I and Silhouette team-up series drawn by Ian Churchill and edited by Eddie Berganza.  "I promise titillating secrets will be revealed," says Berganza.  "Also, its for broads who don't normally read comics."

6.  "What was the Cold War?" will be a 20 page pamphlet written by an history senior at SUNY explaining to the kids educated under "No Child Left Behind" what history is, and that Russia is a real place we used to not get along with particularly well.  Illustrations by Pat Lee.

7.  Dan Didio takes up the pen again to write "Captain Comedian and The Laughing Battalion", a gritty book about the last great war fought by America.  Guest starring Dr. Manhattan.  Didio is promising "the Comedian just might find a little romance between battles".  Promises to finish reading Watchmen at some point.

8.  Jim Lee takes on a 70's-era mystery involving the original Nite-Owl and his successor.  Promises "lots of explosions and heroic posing."  1 issues.

9.  Rob Liefeld takes on 4 books interlocking the stories of Morloch, Big Figure, and two all new characters of his own creation.  "I'm very happy to keep Rob working," says Jim Lee.  "He has pictures of me doing blow off a dead hooker from our days at Image, and he'll use them against me."

10.  Chuck Austen gets a 12-issue run on a Dollar Bill series because @#$% you, that's why, fanboy.  You're going to buy these, anyway.  


Fantomenos said...

These are all better than what will actually happen!

Also, #4 is awesome, since guess what showed up in my pull box today? The Twelve #9! After, what, 2 years? More?

I'm gonna have to crack open the long-boxes and recall what was going on with that mini-series. I think I really liked it, but that was an era when I really liked ska music, so who knows?

Anonymous said...

Love #4 & #9. If only I could muster any outrage for DC. They've become such a self-parody, it's just not worth the energy to care anymore.

The League said...

I think this post was instrumental in me moving from general irritation to enjoying the terribleness.

@Fantomenos- I am not picking up the 12 because I have no recollection of the prior 8 issues or so aside from the first issue. I will consider the trade, but realistically, no I won't.