Sunday, July 5, 2015

Taste Test: Taco Bell's "Cap'n Crunch Delights"

Well, Leaguers, it's been a long, long time. A lot of moronic food has come and gone over the years, but nothing has really piqued my curiosity. Yeah, even the waffle breakfast taco did nothing for me. It was incredibly stupid, but somehow it lacked that je nes sais quoi.

 But today I saw an ad for something worthy of my Taste Testing talents. And so, I felt the need to dust off the taste buds and go to work for you, The People.

Just when I think I'm out...

Yeah.  @#$%ing "Cap'n Crunch Delights".  No @#$%ing idea.  I was literally on the elliptical figuring out what we should do for dinner and said to Jamie "grab me some of those Cap'n Crunch things at the Bell."  She tried to stop me, but I wasn't thinking of me.  I was thinking of you, The People.

So, to review, Cap'n Crunch is a breakfast cereal famous for three things:

  1. Crunchy deliciousness
  2. Sugariness
  3. Scraping off the roof of your mouth like a carrot peeler

Cap'n Crunch - bring the pain

I literally thought this would be a wad of Cap'n Crunch Cereal held together with marshmallow or sugar or something crunchy and light.  It absolutely was not any of those things.

Instead, it was this:

not a chicken nugget, but I understand your confusion

It was a weird, squishy sort of baked good.  Dyed red.  Sort of donuty, sprinkled in some sort of sugary dust that clung to the "Delight" in equal parts to your fingers.  It was not at all what I expected.

I am baffled by the red color.  I kind of assume that's the color of "crunch berries", which is not something I recall ever eating.  Crunch Berries are the B.S. additive crunchy bit for non-purists who need to add "fruit" flavor to their Cap'n for some reason.

No, I have no idea what the hell the Cap'n's companion is there, either.

yeah, I have a lot of booze, too, if you're surveying the background

It smelled... not at all how I remember The Cap'n smelling or tasting.  It smelled like an off-brand package donut.  I mean, it's been years since I've had a bowl of The Cap'n, but, yeah...  Just that weird "made in a factory in Hoboken 8 months ago but it's still okay to eat" sugary smell.

It tastes...  like what I said above - when you buy a pre-packaged baked good that can stay on the shelf for a year thanks to the power of preservatives.  Not bad, exactly.  I mean, I like sugar, too.  But...

What fresh hell is this?  There's a completely unnecessary frosting filling.  And make no mistake, that's a dollop of canned frosting.  Which is just confusing.  Did the Cap'n sign off on this?  Or has he handed over the reigns to his family, who doesn't understand the nature of the Cap'n Crunch brand?

Something odd percolating inside...

You probably are on to the theme of my fridge magnets

We bought two of these things, so I go in for round 2.

Frankly, this is something I think you're going to like if your diet is mostly coming from gas station snacks and the Little Debbie section of the super market.  It's weird and vaguely chemically tasting, and while I like sugar and lard as much as the next person, this fat-bullet has nothing to do with anything you ever liked about Cap'n Crunch as a cereal in any of its many forms.  The aftertaste is mostly tinged with regret.

Wait, there's that odd feeling again.  Right.  Diabetes setting in.  Okay.

Well, there you go, The People.  I hope you're satisfied.

On the whole, maybe not totally awful - you know, like Circus Peanuts - but it's wholly unnecessary and there's no reason for it at all.  More than that - it's a bit of a betrayal to everything you like about The Cap'n.  I say thee nay to Cap'n Crunch Delights.


picky said...

I can definitely see why you were intrigued, but yeah, that's one weird-ass dessert.

J.S. said...

I'm going to tell you this again. Just because they market something as "food" doesn't mean that you have to eat it.

horus said...

Thank the High One the taste test is back!

Anonymous said...

You can make a lot of money doing taste test videos on YouTube. I mean, if kids can make six-figures opening toys on YouTube ...

The League said...

I don't do it for popularity or money. I do it for The People.