Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Put Yourself in a Cheap "Twilight" Knock-Off!

As if the heroine of Stephanie Meyer's golden goose, Twilight, wasn't pretty much a stand in for every female who can turn a page, it seems that a company has come up with a brilliant scheme to really, really exploit the concept.

Just fill out the form, add a few details, and... voila! Ladies, you're Bella-@#$%ing-Swan! And that hunky man of your dreams? Edward "Sparkles" Cullen.

You can sample the finished product with three separate scenes. I've cut these a bit short, but they give the general idea...

Now, for just $24.95 (plus shipping and handling), ladies, you can be the star of your very own hastily written Twilight fan fiction.

Click here to order!

Or, you know, search the catalog. If you look at the romance books, apparently you can add anybody you want into what seems to be a steamy, trashy, novel-length tale of inadequate telling! And in genres from werewolf to pirate (with genre specific love scenes).

And now... some samples... You really cannot make this stuff up.

Our Heroes Meet

Jamie could feel the heavy shelves wobble and tilt precariously. Before she could even think of escaping out from underneath, she heard the sound of sudden footsteps and the slap of wood against flesh. She looked up, surprised. A young man in a dark brown leather jacket smiled at her, one arm stretched mere inches above her head as it held back the skewed bookcase.
First Bite: Personalized Vampire Novel
Their romantic ideal is a vintage late 80's college rock fan

“Pardon me,” Ryan murmured with a slight smile, and with a movement as smooth as a dancer’s, he turned and tipped the heavy bookshelves back into their proper position.
Her heart hammering, Jamie scrambled to stand up. She was so shaken she nearly tottered back off her feet, but the stranger reached out to steady her, his touch lasting only seconds. But it was enough.
“Are you all right?”
Like his clothing, his voice was soft and rich. The light fell gently on him almost like an aura—very appropriate for a guardian angel, Jamie thought as she pushed away some messy strands of blonde hair from her face. “Thank you,” she said after a few speechless moments, one hand patting her heart to calm herself. “Those shelves could’ve killed me.”
“You should be more careful,” he chastised lightly. “This is an old building that’s falling apart. I advise greater caution.”
“I know. I usually am—careful, I mean—but I was so happy to find this book…”
Jamie hugged the red leather to herself, flushing under his piercing gray gaze. Why am I babbling like this? “I didn’t even know you were there. Lucky for me you were, huh? You always keep an eye out for klutzy bookworms?”
“Only when there is need, I assure you.” He smiled, teeth reflecting brightly and his broad shoulders casting a shadow over Jamie. “But you do yourself an injustice. There is nothing wrong with loving books, and you are certainly no klutz.”

Male Hero and Pal:

Ryan had been staring out into the stars for a while when a familiar low voice interrupted his thoughts. “Friend, you’ve got to get over this girl.”
Moonlight Night
This totally looks exactly like TheDug

He whipped his head around and saw TheDug climbing up with practiced ease onto the roof to join him. The other vampire continued, “What’s gotten into you? I’ve never seen you so taken with anyone. Especially a mortal!” TheDug spat out the word with disgust. “They are ours for feeding. You treat this one as if she were your pet.”
“No. Jamie is not a pet. I think I am in love with her.”
“Oh, I see. Forgive me if I have a hard time understanding that one, Ryan."
TheDug bared his teeth in a wicked smile. “I must say, your strength in her presence is admirable. I’m certain that I could not contain my desire to taste of her sweetness.”
Ryan shot his friend a glare that could have punctured like a dagger. “You shall not touch her!”
“Calm down. I wouldn’t dare face your wrath. But don’t you see the pointlessness of all this?”
“I’ll tell her, truly I shall. Soon.” Ryan stared up at the unforgiving night sky. “She is a modern woman. Perhaps she might understand?”
TheDug chuckled softly. “Perhaps.”

Our Heroes stand around yapping

“Did you enjoy the party?” Jamie tilted her head and reached up a hand to remove her earrings as she watched Ryan in the mirror. That’s another myth gone. His reflection’s as visible as mine.

Kiss from a Vampire
There's a fine line between models and the people I see at truck stops.

“Let me,” Ryan whispered, circling her ear with one night-cool finger. “Ah, the party. It was interesting. Your friend Kristen has a great deal of energy.”
“That’s one way to put it! No fear, no speedometer, no brakes. That’s what she’d say.” Jamie smiled fondly. “She’s a good friend.”
“Yes.” He looked deep into the mirror, seeing something she could not find; he forgot to pretend to breathe, lost in thought. Jamie waited, curious and concerned, idly admiring the line of his jaw, the sparkle of his gray eyes.
A slow nod signaled his return to the moment. “Kristen has suspicions about me. About what I am.”
Jamie froze. “Are you sure?”
“She seems to have held her ideas for quite some time, on little evidence. Is she one of those who romanticizes my kind? There are many who seem strangely fascinated with my fictional brethren.”
“Well, Kristen likes vampire flicks, but she’s no Goth.What exactly did she say?”
Ryan repeated the conversation verbatim. “As I said, she has little evidence, but still she persists in her conviction, and I cannot argue. She is, after all, correct about what I do.”

1 comment:

Dug said...

Ok, a) That's hysterically bad. b) You need to stop including me in crappy romance stories with my sister.