Saturday, September 19, 2020

"Sexy" Halloween Costumes - 2020 Edition

Well, we haven't done this in a few years, but let's do it again.  Let's look at "weird sexy costumes for Halloween 2020". 

For 2011, go here.  For 2017, go here.

Honestly, I've gotten so used to, like, "sexy cop" going by, I don't really think about it anymore.  But there's still always a few costumes that pop out at me as "but why?".  

The first thing that popped out at me on this go-round was:  

Would the target audience even know what this is?  

I'm assuming to have Halloween plans and the body confidence to wear a hastily-stitched Halloween costume that's not work appropriate, these costumes are aimed at women aged, oh, 18-28.  And even that may be pushing it. 

But that would mean the target audience was born between 1992 and 2002.  So...  do they even know who these characters are?

Pretty sure this is supposed to be Julia Roberts in the first reel of 1990's Pretty Woman.    It was called something like "Beautiful Lady"/


This is not nightwear.  This was listed as the "reunion" costume, and I believe it's supposed to be 1997's Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion - a mid-tier hit aimed squarely at Gen-X and no one else.  No, no one will know what this is.

By my calculations, Madonna's Blonde Ambition tour took place 30 years ago.  Look, I have deeply fond memories of the HBO concert film, and I love me some Madonna, but I'm not sure the kids want to dress as Grandma's favorite popstar.

Baywatch.  It's @#$%ing Baywatch.  

Hoooo boy.  First of all...  no, I don't know how well the kids remember Dumb and Dumber, which I believe came out in 1994.  But...  I have questions about who wanted to gender-swap and then sex up Harold and Lloyd's fancy dress outfits.  And, yes, this was categorized as a "sexy" costume on the site I was looking at.

I saw The Ultimate Warrior wrestle at the Erwin Center circa April 1990.  We all knew he was an imposter and we wanted Hogan back as the champion.  Warrior would eventually leave wrestling and become an ultra-right-wing blowhard before dying shockingly young a few years back.  

But if you wanted to see him as a pretty lady:

Popeye hasn't really been a going concern that I know of for something like 30 years.  Sorry, hardcore Popeye fans, but it's true.  I don't imagine many young women these days are looking to bring their sexiest Olive Oyl A-Game to Halloween, but you never know.  

"No, it's called The Green Hornet, and Kato was played by Bruce Lee."
"Was Kato the Green Hornet's secret identity?"
"No, he was the chauffer."
"Oh.  Cooooool."

Next Up:  

Here's some characters no one was looking to see sexualized

Hey, I was playing a little Mario Kart and had a passing thought that made me blush.  Thank you for your service, costume company.

You know, yes, she's a brassy, fun, female character in a bustier, but I'm not sure anyone is going to decide, when picking a sexy costume:  "oh, yes, please draw comparisons between me and Ursula the @#$%ing Sea-Witch".  And, yes, this is a second iteration and we already covered a different Urusla costume in 2011.  

Well, much like Dumb and Dumber, there's a surefire way to make it look like you got talked into something and don't get the joke.  This one also requires two people to make a very bad decision, and remind everyone around you that you are FINE with being thought of as a moron from a Disney movie.

In some ways, I can't believe the 1990's comics market didn't already spontaneously produce this character, but here's Sexy Punisher.  I don't even know where to go with this.  It's a sandwich of a two worn out ideas crammed into one package that will make a certain kind of guy who owns an AR-15 stand-up and say "oh boy!"

Like, why must Pennywise be sexy?  

We will never not stop posting Optimus Prime cat suit.  It is the most baffling costume on the internet.

Like all children of the 1970's and 80's, I have fine memories of McDonald Land and the cast of characters selling me on solidified grease and salt as a delicious treat, but it's weird that they had the clear sex pot in Birdie the Early Bird, and chose to go with the Hamburglar and Ronald, instead.

I mean, they've been doing sexy Freddy for a while, but this year's edition features a hood that's meant to look like flame-charred skin, and that's something special, ladies.

Also - why the Wolverine-style glove?  This costume is a mess.

Sexy Care Bear.  Sort of.  It's more "flirty" Care Bear.  We still think you'll get cold in this one.

STAR WARS.  Everyone loves Star Wars!  Yeah, it feels like it has the sexuality you'd expect an 8 year old to put into a story about space wizards, but we can sex it up a little.  Like - what if it had been Anakina Skywalker who was under the mask, looked great and had some cute shoes?

And, just imagine if this is what Chewie had waiting for him back on Kashyyyk?  The Star Wars Holiday Special would have been way more entertaining.

I see what you're doing, costume, and I do not approve.

Well, this is sure-fire boner killer.

This, on the other hand, is going to help you find guys with VERY specific tastes.  

I want to drink with whomever the lady is who decides she's going as @#$%ing Beetlejuice for Halloween.  She is going to be a handful.

I don't even get what is supposed to be happening here, but it sure seems like I should be able to work in a "Boo-bies" joke somehow.  And if you have the courage to make this a costume, lady, my hat is off to you.  Please write in and tell me how it went.

1 comment:

mcsteans said...

Thank you for this public service.