Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Why You're Wrong About Batman, and Why Superman Would Win Every Time

the product of a Google Image Search for "Batman dumb"


Superman would win.

Superman
  • can fly
  • is bulletproof/ invulnerable
  • is able to push around an oil tanker, maybe even lift one (while full)
  • has eyes that
    • can see through anything but lead
    • see microscopic detail
    • provide telescopic vision
    • shoot lasers
  • has ears that 
    • can hear Lois's heartbeat on the other side of the country
    • can hear radio frequencies
  • has super-breath
  • can run almost as fast as the Flash (who runs so fast he runs through time)
  • has a dog
  • is mostly only vulnerable to kryptonite and magic
Batman
  • took some martial arts classes
  • still thinks throwing stars are pretty keen
  • has a hard time keeping friends
  • buys his way out of trouble
  • verbally abuses his butler, who is his only friend
  • puts children in mortal danger
  • spends nights beating the mentally ill
  • somehow never trips over a gigantic cape
  • might have a rock of kryptonite he'd never get out of his pocket before Superman took it away with a lead oven mitt

Yeah, yeah.  Batman plans ahead.  We've all heard that one.  Including Superman.  So, wouldn't Superman just plan on Batman planning ahead and just knock him over with his super breath from far away, then cover him in, say, piles of shag carpeting until Batman passes out?

Your argument is silly.

You are a silly, silly person.







This bit of internet trolling brought to you by:  Superman v. Batman - Dawn of Justice!

5 comments:

mcsteans said...

Hell, even Wesley Willis whupped Batman's ass.

Maxo said...

This is what's ironic to me about the whole "Batman would always win because he plans for everything" thing — isn't that kind of invincibility exactly what weeping fanboys say is their problem with Superman? And whatever happened to Ace, anyway? KRYPTO FOREVER.

Jake Shore said...

Did you have a few cocktails before posting this? There seems to be a lot of....anger festering here. Not that I blame you.

Ryan Steans said...

Nah. I've just been laughing at all the "Man, batman would kick Superman's ASS!" stuff online the past month. Originally this was a post about how the characters were fictional, and how it's whatever the writer writes that happens, but... who cares about that? I decided to be a little ridiculous.

Jake Shore said...

I like it.