Amazon Watch Party Watch: Krull (1983)

Watched:  05/20/2022

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  Unknown

Decade: 1980's

Director: Peter Yates

Even as a kid, I had no real affinity for Krull (1983).  It arrived as part of the fantasy movie blitz of the 1980's, and I didn't see it in the theater.  The trailer had some interesting imagery, but I just didn't watch it.  At some kid's birthday, I watched the Fire Mares part of the movie, said internally "what the @#$% is this?", but wasn't super interested.  But, as a kid with time on his hands and a VCR, eventually I watched the film.  However, most of my memories of the story itself are from a comic book adaptation I picked up somewhere.  I think we only bought the first issue.  

About 16 years ago, Columbia House was in its death throes and had moved into DVD's.  I gave it a whirl and picked up 11 DVDs for $11 or whatever, and among my pickings was Krull.  Jamie and I tried to watch it, and I decided "this is boring" and we didn't try again.   On a rewatch, I am not sure why we thought it was boring.  It's not.  That's not really the crime to which the movie could be held accountable.

In fact, it's a very, very pretty movie.  The sets are immaculate and gigantic.  The exteriors are all over Europe in lovely pastoral settings.  There's some truly fantastic visual stuff happening, and in a lot of ways, the movie is genuinely well-directed when it slows down to have a beat or two.  The director, Peter Yates, is no slouch and did one of my favorite new-to-me films from the past few years, The Friends of Eddie Coyle, which could not be more different if Yates had physically been trying to get as far away from that movie as possible.

But, real talk, they kinda forgot to give anyone but the asshole wizard any personality beyond the thinnest layers atop an archetype.  It's weird.  There's an exposition guy who tells the "prince" what to do.  The price is princely (read:  nice but dim), and the wise old man is wise.  The stoic cyclops is stoic.  Perhaps because the actor cannot see and therefore cannot move.  

Friday Watch Party: Krull. Yeah, Krull.

Millennials seem to think Space Jam is a good movie because they watched it over and over on VHS as kids.  They're wrong, and the movie is trash.  Gen-X had Krull, HBO and no internet to keep them occupied.

Yeah, yeah.  It's a 1980's sci-fi fantasy that feels like a lot of fun design work happened, but no one thought "hey, this script is not good.  Also, our Cyclops is unnerving in a bad way."  Also, there will be perpetual confusion of what, exactly, is a "Krull".  And, no, it is not the spinny weapon.  That's a glaive.*

Anyway - let's watch this thing. 

Day:  Friday - 05/20/2022

Time:  8:30 Central

Service:  Amazon Prime

Price:  $4

Friday: Click here to ride the fire mares!!!

(link live 8:20 PM Central)

*it's the name of the planet they're on

Watch Party Watch: American Cyborg - Steel Warrior (1993)

Watched:  04/22/2022

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  Second

Decade:  1990's

Director:  Boaz Davidson

A movie that actively resists how movies are supposed to work, American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993) eschews character, story, pacing, and more to tell the plot outline of a cute blonde carrying a jar-of-baby to a port to give it to Frenchmen whilst being stalked by a robotic gym coach.  Luckily, she's saved by Unfrozen Caveman Hero Joe Lara.  

The movie has exactly two modes:  (1) uninspired fighting - 90% (2) awkward romantic moments - 10%.

It's a movie that is only 90 minutes, but somehow feels 4 hours long, because it has no story and thinks it should make up for that with the exact same fight sequence happening over and over and occurring in 10 minute spurts.  It's insane.

Anyway, I hate it and want to eject it from my brain as soon as possible.  So this write-up is over.

Friday Watch Party Watch: American Cyborg - Steel Warrior

During summers and over Christmas while in college, I used to go see every single movie that came to the local AMC.  I'm pretty sure the ticket girl thought I was stalking her because there I was, like 4 nights per week.  And, as is my wont, I began addressing her by name.  

But it wasn't just me lurking around the AMC at Richey Road.  Back in those days, The Bros. Steans were very much a package deal (ask Jamie about a pre-Amy Jason), and so there we'd be, standing at the window, asking for two tickets to Man's Best Friend or whatever.  And, one Christmas, we got down to the dregs of the holiday-time offerings.  

With no Oscar bait on the table (this is just before they learned to dump all those movies in December, which would happen maybe the next Christmas), we chose American Cyborg: Steel Warrior.  

The movie was absolutely terrible.  To add to the experience, either the projector or film itself kept breaking.  So every twenty minutes or so, the movie would stop, the lights would come up and a half-full very small auditorium of people would have to look at each other, acknowledging "yes, I also chose to watch something called American Cyborg: Steel Warrior".  And, every time it broke, it was adding a few minutes onto the duration of how long any of us planned to be there, and we'd all shown up for a 10:00 PM show.

As it crept to about 11:15 and the movie broke yet again, I heard some real grumbling this time.  And so, I stood, faced the crowd and said to people I had never seen before:

Oh, no.  I know you're all thinking this movie is terrible, and, it is.  But no one leaves.  We started this together, and we're finishing this together.  We can do this!  Let's finish this awful movie!  

People, I got applause.

Not a soul left that theater.

In retrospect, that may have been a terrible mistake.

And, Friday night, I share that mistake with you.

Starring people you don't know, one of the final films put out by Cannon while in its death throes, we're watching people run around an abandoned factory.

Day:  04/22/2022

Time:  8:30 PM

Service:  Amazon Streaming

Price:  $2

CLICK HERE TO GET CYBERNETIC/ STEELY

Friday Watch Party - Catwoman!

Good Friday?  Let's make it a GREAT Friday, with the power of Halle Berry!

This is also a story about death and resurrection, but this one involves considerably more cats and milk.  And if there's one thing I know, it's that y'all love cats.  

Well, so does the hero of our film!

So, I have seen this movie in pieces over the years, but never straight through.  It's time to fix that.  

Jamie is already mad I picked it.  Just FYI.

In 2004, with Marvel getting a successful X-franchise out there and some Spidey films, DC absolutely panicked and green lit Catwoman, based on no comic property, and loosely tied to about a 60 second bit in 1992's Batman Returns.  This movie - directed by a mononymic French guy who knew nothing about Catwoman and had no real directing experience - is really the lens you need to understand how much WB did not give a shit about it's subsidiary, DC Comics, and how little they believed their characters were worth.  

In all fairness, we do get 100 or so minutes of Halle Berry.  And, of course, Sharon Stone!

Day:  Friday, 04/15

Time:  8:30 Central/ 6:30 Pacific

Service:  Amazon Watch Party:

Cost:  $4

CLICK HERE TO GET FRISKY 

Friday Watch Party: MY BIRTHDAY SURPRISE!

Next week I celebrate my birthday, and so I think I should pick a movie and SURPRISE the hell out of all of you.

Here is my promise - it will not be gross, there will be a minimum of nudity, and it will definitely be a movie.

Day:  Friday 04/07

Time:  8:30 PM

Service:  Amazon Watch Party

Price:  I promise it won't be more than $4

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME FOR A BIRTHDAY MOVIE SURPRISE

Watch Party Watch: Flash Gordon (1980)

Watched:  04/01/2022

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  Unknown

Decade:  1980's

Director:  Mike Hodges

In a lot of ways, Flash Gordon (1980) maybe came out at exactly the wrong time and set the tone for what would be a problem for comic-based material until X-Men in 2000.  

With Star Wars and Superman released to critical and financial success, Dino De Laurentiis began mining the properties that had influenced the creation of both properties and set the tone in Hollywood that Marvel and DC couldn't get anything green lit for years - but somehow pulp characters would get movies.*  As The Incredible Hulk and Wonder Woman disappeared from TV, Buck Rogers showed up on the small screen, and De Laurentiis went and tapped Lorenzo Semple, Jr., one of the main brains behind the 1960's Batman series, to bring Flash Gordon to the big screen.  

Friday Watch Party: Flash Gordon (savior of the universe!)

FRIDAY.  Join us as we watch himbo Sam Jones as Flash Gordon in the 1980's edition of a very 1930's idea.  

It's interstellar chaos when the Moons of Mongo rain down natural disaster on Earth, but luckily we've got a football player, a lady and the guy from Fiddler on the Roof to challenge Max Von Sydow in what is a weird space twist on "The Yellow Menace".  But Brian Blessed shows up in metal wings and a cool hat.

Also, young Timothy Dalton making knees shake.

This movie is famously bananas, and we think you'll like it.  Sets that make no sense, music by Queen.  A princess that's supposed to be kind of a bad guy, but you're like... okay, I'll join your side.  Flying blind on a rocket cycle.  There's just no end to the joys of this movie.

Day:  Friday, April 1

Time:  8:30 Central

Service:  Amazon Watch Party

Cost:  $4

 CLICK HERE TO SEE THE MOONS OF MONGO

St. Patrick's Day Watch: Leprechaun (1993)

Watched:  03/11/2022

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  Second

Director:  Who knows and who cares

I watched Leprechaun the first time at a party during what I think was Christmas break 1993.  I don't really remember much about it except for that the Leprechaun was a vicious dick and it featured Jennifer Aniston before I knew who she was.  

It follows the same pattern as a lot of horror from that era, and this era.  People are in a country house of some kind, and a dangerous force attacks.  The house actually looks quite a bit like the house from Critters or five dozen other movies of the era.  In this case, an Irish immigrant has returned home from a funeral and brought with him a bag of gold he stole from a leprechaun (Warwick Davis).  Now in the Western United States, he rightfully assumes he's safe from a magical being an ocean away.  

He's not, but he traps the leprechaun in a box for a decade until Jennifer Aniston and her dad show up to rent the house.  The movie also features a "hunky guy" house painter for Aniston to latch onto, his kid brother and the guy who stole Pee-Wee Herman's bike playing a moron.  

A bit about the thing with Mark Holton's moron...  

Friday Watch Party: Leprechaun! Let's Get In the St. Paddy's Day Spirit!

Let's get ready for St. Patrick's Day with a modern classic that launched a franchise and a frankly surprising number of imitators!  See Warwick Davis in his, like, third of fifth most famous role!  A just before Friends Jennifer Aniston!  Be surprised at what a vicious POS a leprechaun can be!

Yes, I saw this, I think Christmas in 1993 after renting it from a gas-station.  

So, get ready for getting ready for the, like, third drunkest holiday of the year!  

Day:  Friday 03/11/2022

Time:  8:30 Central

Service:  Amazon Streaming

Cost:  $4

CLICK HERE TO JOIN US FOR A POT OF MOVIE GOLD!!!!

Friday Watch Party: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

Well, we're gonna do a watch party.  And we're going to do a movie that holds a very special place in my heart.  If there's one fictional character I wish I could be, and not fly around in a red cape, it may be the titular character of this 1980's sci-fi adventure comedy whatzit.  The coolest character to ever take the screen.

Scientist/ Stunt driver/ rock and roll musician/ philosopher and so much more: Buckaroo Banzai

Day:  Friday 02/25/2022

Time:  8:30 PM Central/ 6:30 PM Pacific

Format:  Amazon Streaming

Cost:  $0 for Prime Members/ $4 for non-Prime Members

CLICK HERE TO JOIN US ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION, MONKEY BOY

Watch Party Watch: The Keep (1983)

Watched:  02/18/2022

Format:  Amazon 

Viewing:  Unknown

Decade:  1980's

Director:  Michael Mann

This is not a good movie, but it is a fascinating movie.  If you hate Nazis (and I do!) it's not unappealing to see a supernatural force take them apart.  

I found out during this viewing that I had been given some wildly inaccurate information about the origins of the film - that it was based on a Richard Matheson novel (it is not) and that in the original novel, it's Dracula in the Keep, thus the Carpathian mountains (completely and utterly wrong).  Frankly, having read the description of the novel, I like the idea of Dracula cooling in a Keep in the Carpathians a whole lot more than the description of the novel, which sounds like a very matter-of-fact fantasy novel that would not be my jam. 

The appeal of the film is in watching early Michael Mann with a budget and - if you're so inclined - a Tangerine Dream score that matches the action.  It's a dreamy, music video of a movie with minimal dialog and falls squarely in a rare 20-year period where that was maybe fine in film.  Before, people would not have known what you were doing, and after, movies started filling in every crevice of a film with wall-to-wall exposition.  

I was pleased the assembled watch-partiers were more or less fine with the movie, all things considered.  I guess when Sheena was our last touch-base, this is like Citizen Kane.  

Anyway, there's some interesting dynamics at play as it's clear the main evil supernatural force is a big ol liar and the promise that he may just murder his way to Berlin and melt Hitler is a bit of bullshit to convince Ian McKellan to help him out, but for a brief moment, you think "well, maybe we can let this extradimensional being tear shit up.  Enemy of my enemy, etc..."  Also, the movie makes a fine point about how citizens can get caught up in the bullshit of their nation's leaders and become subordinate to the true believers, who generally are not the kind of folks who really want to have to answer to.

Friday Watch Party: The Keep (yes, The Keep)

Absolutely No One:

Me:    So, we're gonna watch "The Keep"

Say what you will, but this movie is definitely The Keep.  Directed by Michael Mann, starring Ian McKellan, Gabriel Byrne and Scott Glenn, it's about a bunch of literal Nazis taking over a Romanian village and holing up in the castle/ keep in the middle of town.  Only... the keep isn't there to keep people out, it's built to keep something in.

I hope you like Tangerine Dream, because Michael Mann did.

Day:  Friday 02/18/2022

Time:  8:30 PM Central, 6:30 Pacific

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Cost:  $3

CLICK HERE TO GET GROOVY WITH THE KEEP

Watch Party! "Sheena" - Queen of the Jungle! TONITE

 

We're gonna pour one out for Tanya and celebrate her starring role as classic pulp hero, Sheena: Queen of the Jungle!  Is that a tiger?  Tigers don't live in Africa.  What the actual hell?

Anyway, I saw this in 5th grade in a brief window where we had HBO and all I remember is "too many flamingos".  

We're gonna watch this thing.  

Day:  Friday 02/11

Time:  8:30 PM Central/ 6:30 Pacific

Where:  Amazon Prime

Cost:  $0, I believe - but you'll WISH you could give someone some money

CLICK HERE TO GO WILD WITH SHEENA

This is what you're signing up for

Emergency Friday Watch Party: Firestarter

So, we had planned to skip Friday watch parties the next two weeks, but we got a special request, and I have no plans.  

We're gonna watch Gertie light this mother up.

Day:  01/28/2022

Time:  8:30 Central/  6:30 Pacific

Service:  Amazon Streaming

Cost:  $4

CLICK HERE TO GO EN FUEGO 

Friday Watch Party: Who's That Girl? - it's Madonnarama on Friday!

Despite no small amount of Madonna-interest, I've never seen this movie.  Jamie informs me it is now on Amazon streaming, so we're gonna Watch Party this nonsense.  I don't even know what it's about.  Madonna.  Griffin Dunne.  A mountain lion?  

Day:  Friday - 01/21/2022

Time:  8:30 PM Central/ 6:30 PM Pacific

Service:  Amazon

Cost:  $2

CLICK HERE TO WATCH ALONG

Watch Party Watch: The Brain From Planet Arous (1957)

Watched:  01/14/2022

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  Firstish

Director:  Nathan Hertz

I'll tell this story again here, so...

The year is about 1978 or 79.  For reasons I cannot remember, my mom has to keep me busy while she deals with something else in the house.  I am about 3 or 4.  My mom does something she never does:  she puts me in my folks' room and turns on the TV and says "look at that til I get back".  I am left alone with a black and white movie on the TV.

The movie is well underway, I don't understand what's happening and then this shit appears on screen:

I lose it.  Giant floating menacing brains with glowing eyes are not something I yet take for granted.  

FRIDAY - Watch Party: The Brain From Planet Arous

When I was 3 years old, my mom was busy and left me in my folks' room with the TV on to keep me occupied.  What I remember is my first, genuine TV or movie induced terror was triggered when a giant, floating brain with glowing eyes appeared on screen to muck about with people.  

I lost my damn mind.  

The fact is, my mom didn't and doesn't watch movies or TV and saw something black and white on TV, and I suspect she thought "it's the middle of the day and whatever this is will be old and boring but fine".  Noooope.  I was not fine.

For about four decades, I had no idea what movie this was.  And then, thanks to the internet, I finally figured it out a few years ago, but the DVD was super expensive, so I didn't buy it.  

Well, this movie is now streaming on Amazon.  And we're going to watch it and see what freaked me the hell out when I was 3 years old.

Day:  10/14/2021

Time:  8:30 PM Central/ 6:30 Pacific

Service:  Amazon Watch Party

Cost:  $2

CLICK HERE TO JOIN US

a foretaste of the feast to come

Christmas Watch Party Finale! "Adventures of Bailey: Christmas Hero" (2012)

Watched:  12/17/2021

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  First

Decade:  2010's

Director:  Steve Franke

I have to ask Producer/ Director/ Writer/ Actor Steve Franke - what is this, Steve Franke?  Because our Amazon Watch Party is pretty convinced that this movie is somehow a tax write-off scam.  

Look, I am second to none in adoring large, silly dogs.  And this movie has two white golden retrievers as stars of the movie, and they are pretty great.  It also has other dogs, a pack of alpacas or llamas (I don't know the difference), and in two insert shots, a fucking bear. 

I guess this is a Christmas movie, but it's also a quest movie if your quest is two fluffy dogs just running hither and yon around fields in Texas.  Also, a separate quest for the scared kid looking for his dogs.  CHRISTMAS.

Christmas Watch Party - Friday 12/17

We're careening ever closer to the holiday - but this Friday marks our final Christmas Watch Party of 2021.  And, boy howdy, do we have an excellent film picked out all for YOU.

No, we won't tell you what it is.  Or why.  Or how.  Or if you'll forgive us.

But it is going to blow your wee little minds!

Day:  December 17th (Friday!)

Time:  8:30 Central

Service:  Amazon 

Cost:  $0

Click here to join us!