Chabert Watch: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)

Watched:  05/28/2025

Format:  Max

Viewing:  First

Director:  Mark Waters

When people ask "why did studios stop spending money on romcoms", I think it's fair to point to movies like this and say "well, this is what they were making, and people didn't like it."  Metacritic has this at a 34, which sounds correct.  

I had not seen this movie, and until I looked it up a week ago to watch it, I thought it was a movie in which Eva Longoria was a ghost hassling her boyfriend.  But that was Over Her Dead Body, which people also didn't like.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009) is a movie I may have known existed at one point, but...  in 2025, I just had no memory of it coming out.  I don't know if it met expectations or not, making about $100 million worldwide.  

This is a movie about a cartoonish lothario played by Matthew McConaughey who has to attend his brother's wedding at a mansion in Newport, RI.  McConaughey doesn't believe in romance, love, marriage, etc... and instead lives his life smiling at women who then willingly drop their clothes and offer up sex.  

We learn he was trained to do this as a youth by his Uncle Wayne (Michael Douglas) who has passed recently.  But his brother (Breckin Meyer) is marrying Lacey Chabert, and even here Our Hero can't behave.

To get to the point, this is a Scrooge knock off about a guy who hoards sex instead of money, and our Belle character is at the wedding, played by Jennifer Garner.  Uncle Wayne (Douglas) is Marley, a cusp-of-super-fame Emma Stone plays the actual ghost of girlfriends past, and we have two more ghosts.  

It's hard to overstate how bad the first 30 minutes of this movie is.  It tries to recover once the ghosts show up in earnest, but for half an hour - I don't know another way to say this - McConaughey is bad.  The directing is bad.  And the writing isn't good, either.  It's trying to do this over-the-top thing while conveying a lot of information, but it manifests as speeches so we get his POV and lines to throw back in his face later.  But it's not funny.  It's just sounds like someone on Unpopular Opinions on Reddit thinking they're being edgy.  

Misogyny doesn't really cover what's going on with the movie.  This isn't a ladies man, this is a narcissist with a sex addiction with a twist of sociopath.  It kind of revels in neg-pick up culture - at least suggesting it's wildly successful.  The jokes by McConaughey don't land and it's hard to say why - but watching him break up with three girls at once via a conference meeting is weirdly sad instead of inducing a chuckle.

The first time I laughed at the movie was well into it when we got the flashback with Uncle Wayne and Michael Douglas channeling Robert Evans to guide our young Hero after he fails to ask Girl to dance.  

Emma Stone is okay, and has an okay line or two.  And there are some okay gags from that point on, but it's hard to forget the first 30 minutes, and the last half doesn't really make up for it.

Is it stupid?

Jamie informed me partway through the movie that I could say "yes" to this question.  And I am generally in agreement.  It's mostly joke-shaped moments that feel awkward instead of funny.  Scrooge seemed to be a heel out of ignorance, but here it's just someone who's an asshole.

All of that I can forgive if a movie is funny, but it mostly wasn't.

That said - I've commented here and there that Chabert has good comedic instincts, and she really does steal a scene or two here as a Bride on the Edge.  I was expecting her to barely be in the movie, but director Mark Waters had worked with her on Mean Girls, so he knew what he could get out of her, and it works.  She's a genuine highlight of the movie, delivering actual comedy in a movie that can feel lifeless.

I'm cutting this one short because... I'm not sure it warrants much discussion.  It's just a no from me, dawg.