90's Schlock Watch: Twister (1996)

Watched:  05/29/2026

Format:  HBOmax

Viewing:  Second

Director:  Jan de Bont

This clunker that has aged poorly in so, so many ways is about two absolute perverts who clearly can only become aroused when their lives are endangered by natural disasters.  They are followed by a vast team of nameless people who delight in their kink, and seem to have no interior lives or external concerns other than bearing witness to the named characters' pursuit of their shameful desires.  

Why this was not directed by David Cronenberg, I cannot say.

Our male lead has met a stable woman, a therapist, who he believes can save him from his shameful kink.  Knowing this therapist will never join him in his thrill-seeking debauchery, he simply pawns her off on one of the sub-perverts.

Reunited with his fellow degenerate, scene after scene unfolds wherein Bill (Bill Paxton) and Jo (The Quarterback Princess, Helen Hunt) pursue tornadoes as threat to life and limb, delighting in the chaos.  Both know the old thrills are not doing it for them anymore, and only when they strap themselves with leather to ride out an F5 tornado with no protection - the ultimate depravity - are their degenerate appetites satisfied.

I saw Twister (1996) in the theater a few weeks into its theatrical run.  I was in San Angelo to see a childhood chum get married, we had some downtime and it was playing.  I hadn't been interested in the movie as the trailers looked asinine, but word of mouth was great.  

I will be honest and say: in 1996, I thought this movie was a crime against IQ's and cinema, and I'm not sure I'd be in a mood to better my opinion of it now.  This is, after all, a movie that has evil, corporate tornado chasers and which keeps dragging Jami Gertz along for absolutely no plot reason.  It's a post-The Abyss movie, so it thinks it needs a ragtag bunch of misfits in our group - but who are they and what do they do?  There's never an explanation and we only ever see two of them doing anything other than rocking out or listening to their CB radio.  And rooting for Bill and Jo to get back together.

I have terrible news that scientific research is either funded through government grants or its funded through corporate grants.  We never hear how our heroes are funded (let's be very clear: universities do not give grants to researchers - universities are supported by taking half the money researchers bring in), who they're affiliated with, and don't understand anything about what's at stake for them.  All we know is that we have "bad guys" who have newer, matching cars.  I'd be more concerned that Cary Elwes is spending his grant irresponsibly on cars and matching outfits.

The entire mechanism of "Dorothy" is kind of stupid for the very reasons the movie makes clear.  It forces you to (a) track down a tornado and (b) stand right in front of it.  That no one thought to put a gyro on the balls is kind of wild - or a parachute or something.  It clearly had never been tested.  It's top heavy.  The sensors are designed badly for their intended purpose.

I'm not even sure this movie really understands tornadoes.  Or physics.  Or house layouts.  It just kind of does whatever feels good at any given moment, like see a semi-trailer full of fuel get picked up, but the Ford Ranger next to it is completely unaffected.

The dialog of the movie is 75% shouting for one reason or another.  It's mostly just barked exposition over weather, often the exposition is utterly unnecessary, but if they didn't do that, no one would talk for long stretches.  

The CGI, three summers after Jurassic Park, now looks worse than a Sharknado movie.  Like - it is uniformly shitty.  Which I kind of remembered from 1996, but in 2026 - I'm gonna just say this is not even charming shittiness.

The cast in this thing is insane.  Paxton.  Hunt.  Elwes.  Jami Gertz.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Alan Ruck.  Jeremy Davies.  Lois Smith.  Patrick Fischler.  And there's a host of 90's "that guy" actors - like Joey Slotnick, Sean Whalen, Todd Field and others.  

In 1996, I felt like a weirdo for thinking "this movie is dumb as hell" and this not being the common response to the film. And when Twisters came out a few years ago, people were psyched for it, like a new Jurassic Park movie was coming - but with air moving real fast.  

In all fairness, I also didn't love De Bont's Speed as much as everyone else, either, and found his take on The Haunting to be just sort of embarrassing for all of us.

Anyway, it's been 30 years!  Maybe when I'm 81, I'll watch it again.